punch drunk love

hell-ven

2009-11-08T21:18:00.000-08:00

How many times did I say I love waking up? I really do. The sun inspires me a lot. A gift of new life that I waste when the evening comes, but still I love waking up, it's hella worth it.

Life is running good. I can't complain, shall appreciate all the things that come my way. Good or bad. There's just one thing that I can't remove, and you know whatever that is, keeps me alive. Thank you so much! Haha. Sooner or later, you're gonna wish you had me. Oh.

Watched Million Dollar Baby last night. That was good. But still Cinderella Man made me cry.

And you without knowing it can also make me cry, eventhough you're not a movie. Hah :)

dati rati...

2009-11-08T05:00:00.000-08:00

Tinatawanan mo ang mga kaibigang sawi sa pag-ibig, yung mga kakilala mong nagpapakagaga sa love life nila. Bakit ngayon naki-join the club ka na? Isa ka na ring gaga at umeeksena sa love life kahit wala namang konkretong ebidensya pero nakasulat naman sa hangin.

Nakakatuwa kasi tao ka pala.
Nakakainis kasi nakakabato pala.

Sana bumalik na lang sa dati. Yung wala kang iniintindi kundi sarili mo, inosente ka at walang abala. Hindi ka naman pwedeng magsumbong sa nanay mo na sinaktan ka nya.

lost.

2009-10-29T00:28:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, I lost my almost two months old Nokia E63. That hurt a bit, but I'm getting over it. I believe that something better is coming my way. So whoever got my phone, I wish you happiness and a guilt free life, plus a life time supply of peace of mind. I hope that you know how to use that, but in case you want, I can hand you the case that was left and the box, manual, plus the charger and headset. Just contact me anywhere on the web.

Thank you God! I'm safe. At least I realized who my REAL friends are. Its just a material thing anyway, I can't bring it to my grave.

love.

2009-10-03T22:47:00.000-07:00

Nothing much.

I just want to say how much I love the sun. Thank you God for sparing us from danger, from the typhoon. I hope those affected by the typhoon will recover soon. Please bless us all.

Hey! I love this day and I don't even know why.

hold me high

2009-10-02T21:41:00.000-07:00

I have been always ranting about my life. Then all of a sudden, I came to realize how lucky am I to be alive, to have problems and to get stressed out.

I've been really feeling down these past few days, and still counting. I hate being alone, because unnecessary thoughts linger my mind. Sometimes when I'm in the bus, I just stare out the window, look through infinity, with tears starting to form behind my eyes. I realized I'm not a little cry baby girl anymore, but a guy can make me cry without him knowing that he did hurt someone or two. It sounds pathetic, but that's what I felt.

There was a hole in my chest, a gaping one like a black hole that is beginning to suck all of me, if I won't stop it. There are times when I don't know what to do, except for the fact that I really want to get a booze and crawl like Spiderman on my way home. Booze helps me forget him, them, the world, and just hug the toilet, perhaps marry it, if there is a need to vomit. That will be my routine if I don't bump my head on my bedroom wall, and if I don't wake up from this stinky feeling that we are playing. I can't expect much from you, but then I'm still fucking here. I can't go away. Myself won't let me go away, but I know there will come a time, that I can live and raise my head up without you. I just don't know when will that time be, something in you is really sticky. I don't want to talk about silent heartbreaks anymore, but thanks for making me happy in a short while. I don't blame anyone. Its me. Freak me. Oh its just me.

All the drama at the same time. Ondoy hit the country. Then Pepeng is here now. It breaks my heart to watch the news with families needing shelter and food. If I am rich, I will help them, but right now all I can offer is my prayer and be a volunteer. I hope all the victims can recover. I know the country will recover, we are Filipinos and we can do it!

Oh, before I forget, I just resigned from work. I can't just do it anymore. I'm sorry to the people who don't expect this, but I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to force myself into something I'm not happy. Its just the way it is. I will find something new. I should.

This should be the start of something new. Yeah!

2009-09-09T21:24:00.000-07:00

If I can, I'll still go back to the time when I can hold thy hand.

I'll choose you no matter what.

But I can't.

That's the saddest part.

nothing

2009-08-24T01:18:00.000-07:00

I missed blogging my nonsense thoughts. I missed sitting in front of my laptop and exploring the infinite horizons of the web. I missed saying my heart's unpleasant desires for him, which eventually made me numb, dumb and almost on the way to forget that.

I can say that I found a new life, new career, new friends, feels like all will be new. Or a new me. I hope this will be a great start to let go of memories that always freaks me out. But hey, I still want yow!

blars. rawrs.

2009-06-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

Crumple your heart and put it in your pocket.

LOL!

hard rock nightmare

2009-06-19T02:45:00.001-07:00

I feel something hard inside me. Feels like I've swallowed a rock, and it went straight to my heart, not in my stomach. The other week, my digestive system went all crappy, that I feel death was beside me. That day where my stomach cramps attacked was unforgettable. I nearly fainted after going to a job interview (good thing it was over and I'm not interested) so I just went to Granma's home. There's really something wrong with my stomach, curse or cure alcohol? IDK. I don't wanna know and I'm afraid to seek medical attention.

After that, was the two days straight headache. It felt like my head will explode anytime. But I handled it, by thinking happy thoughts of him, and me, each sold separately. Then it came up to me like a blade and made another cut, a cut that I love to see bleed everytime I think of it. Then I will be fucking teary eyed while typing these words I am hesitant of publishing.

And last night, was the worst. I can say that its the worst thing next to vomitting when I'm drunk. The worst thing I don't want to happen again. I had my first nightmare. I think its a typical nightmare based on those I hear. But it was my first time to actually have it. So it was the bomb. It felt like I was all alone falling straight from a high, dark place. I was trying to move my body but I can't. Little whispers of scream try to come out of my mouth but no one was there to hear me. I was gasping for air. Then I woke up feeling so tired, my body all used up. But the tired feeling sent me to sleep again.

Maybe this is just a post-effect of everything I did and chose. It's all wrong, but getting used to it is easy, for me. Just cover your face with lies, smile under your blanket when the lights are off, and wait. Even if you're waiting for nothing hurts. But I love hurting my own feelings eh!

How many times did I say that I won't talk nonsense anymore. But still, here. I feel sad, but there are still people who want to cheer me up. I'm trying to get him off my brain cells and soul perhaps, but there are things that still connects. Or I'm just the one who's too concerned.

OH HEY! Its fucking traffic. That's why I can't move on.

inom tayo!

2009-05-17T07:01:00.000-07:00

Hinihintay ko ang pag-ikot ng oras, sana bumalik sayo.

Akala ko dun ako sasaya, pero bakit ganto?

May chismis na naiwan sa pagkatao.

Kung walang patutunguhan, sana mawala na to.

Kung meron mang naghihintay, pwede kong tiisin noh?

HAHAHA. Crazy! Pasensya na. Lakas ng tama ko.

end

2009-03-29T10:27:00.000-07:00

If you want to read my graduation speech, you can check out my Multiply blog for the full version. I wrote that with all my heart, and funny bones.

Graduation is over, but I'm not over you, unemployment population counts me in, vacation is here and I don't know how to feel. But i do feel happy. I just need to pick up myself and prepare for the brightest future I'm seeing, perhaps with you. LOL.

So, that's it. I'll probably be busy with vacation. I need to get away!!! But still I need to job hunt so I can finance my get aways. Haha.

not.

2009-03-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

LOL.Ibadlyneedit.
Iwantit.
IthoughtIcangetoverit.
ButIstillmissit.

Ohoh,changeittoHIM.
HIMislikeadrug.
:-)

The Final Set Expi

2009-03-07T21:08:00.000-08:00

Still glad to be part of history. And I'll bookmark my March 7, '09 experience.

We came there JIT of the countdown, oh not countdown but should I say alpha down (from Z-E) and they opened the show with Magasin. Then followed by everyone's all time favorite songs. Julie Tearjerky, Trip to Jerusalem, and it goes on. My favorites for the night: Pare Ko (lovetgagoeh!), Ang Huling El Bimbo (aw!) and Toyang (youknowwhyIlikeet?) LOL. Plus Alkohol which is perfect for me, him and them. Hwag mo nang Itanong in reggae ver courtesy of Father Markus. They did Super Proxy, but no more Master Rapper so Ely took his part. Then Kaleidoscope World which made me semi-gloomy. Sadly they didn't do Kaliwete because they've played it before. But they repeated Alapaap and Toyang(?) Just as we all thought the show was over, because they bowed and bid goodbye, they came back to the stage and sang three more songs for encore.

*inset is a photo of me exhausted towards the end of the concert LOL*

Basta. The final set was good. I shall, we shall all say that Eraserheads will forever live in all of us. I just love that night. Humming along while they play the song while remembering someone who shouldn't be in your mind... is so wrong! Haha.

Thanks to my concert buddy that night, Ferdie. And nice meeting you Aika, Gracia & BF & friend.

That's it. Despite the Eheads euphoria, youknowwho still made my night. Aw.

Mahaaaarch

2009-03-05T13:12:00.000-08:00

Boohoo. So there, I'm glad that I passed all my subjects this sem. My academic life has came to an end. But I strongly believe that learning is an infinite thing. It will go on, and on, and on like a roll of fucking tissue paper. I just want to learn new things, like cooking maybe. I want. Haha. Or driving even if I don't have a car. LOL.

Since the classes are over, I usually spend my day with my bed. Reading is also my time killer in case I can't sleep. And the night time goes out to my friends. I just can't help but see them, be a sinner and go home to sleep again like nothing happened. I'm over happy with them plus intoxication. But controlling the attachment so that leaving or breaking up won't hurt that much. I'm also learning to control everything, but still breaking rules is fun and that's what I like! The more it hurts, the more it feels good (at least for me LOL). I just like the feeling of getting hurt. Such a crazy feeling I have these days? Haha! Thanks. I really like what yer giving meee!

Waiting, yes. Finally I will be graduating this March 27, 2009. Mixed emotions meeeen! I just can't wait for it! And I want a job, soon! It's time to earn some money and you know what. Heh.

I might be blogging regularly again. LOL. I want a new layout!!! *tantrums*

K. BYE.

free push and hug

2009-02-21T23:10:00.000-08:00

Heyhowdeehay!

First, Happy birthday Daddy. Even if you're not with us, we'll be together next month. Thank you and sorry for everything. Thanks for being a good provider and a the best father to us. You just don't know how much we love yooow!

Then my head is spinning around. Its the last week of my college days. Yes, of my academic life. This last week is where I have to kill time and battle against pressure from peers, parents, starfish, red horse, sizzling hotdog, climate change, recession and other factors. I also have to fight my dizzy head and falling asleep in the middle of the night. A lot of paper works and reports are due this week. Its easier to blog than to do them. I have to deal with them and I can't run away anymore. (well, I don't really run away from them!)

So, I'm requesting your kind hearts to PRAY for me. Just in case I get rush to the hospital or who knows die before graduation. This is it. We're about to reach the end of the line. And its supafreakinfuckinscarinshiverinhappy to the bones! Out of words, really!

Off to do my responsibilities. IMYATC.

-PATing

boohooyoo

2009-02-14T22:42:00.000-08:00

Won't write the words clearly
So you'll never understand.

Cleanse the mind with fresh water spa
See the light that shines beneath the meadows
There will always be hope,
Shoud not hate the word.
Trying not.

The power is just so fuckin strong
That it carried one away
Fell on the pit
But hey, come back,
Still stuck here, babe!

But all's well that ends well.
That's all they'll ever be.
Or maybe screw your brain,
And rust if off?

P.S.
Infected by the Valentines Bitterness Syndrome. Take it off?

boneshaker

2009-02-02T06:11:00.000-08:00

Its been ages. Since I had my last post. My mind flew in a far away place and I just got it back, so here it is, the blog love.

Heh. I hate then I like. Somehow confused of what to show and how to act in front of this person who can make my bone shake. The mist of confusion eats me. It makes me sad whenever I think of that baby cry. He makes me happy when he's near. Makes me worry when he's not near. He can make me nauseous and I can vomit anytime. He makes me feel so full even if I forgot breakfast. He affects my system. Virus, get off.

But the hell do I affect him? No, it isn't love. And I'm afraid to know what its called.

P.S. Ang landi landi landi landi mo kaseeeeee. Kasalanan nyo to.

for now

2009-01-10T06:23:00.000-08:00

Missed blogging. Have been busy about friends, second degree friends and random events were up this last week. I've been into intoxicating myself the other week. So I just paid the price. I got fucking sick. I felt something in me that was the worst feeling I've ever had. I swore not to drink any beverage containing alcohol from now on. Or just for now. I will give my body a break. I still come with my friends, but then as an audience. No more, no less. Its the same fun, less the hang over.

Our Pangasinan trip was cancelled due to weather changes. WTF. They hurried us to pay like P4,000 and suspend our happiness by rescheduling it. That was uber fun you know whoever gave that decision.

That's it. I'll be giving myself a renewal. I will happily attend my OJT, finish it with a happy face. I have to let go of whatever breaks me. Thinking doesn't help. And I don't need it anyway, for now.

I need a gig this month. I need to have fun. I need to pass my article, if he still needs it. I need to patch some things up with my mom. I need to see heaven.

new year, perhaps new me

2009-01-03T00:09:00.000-08:00

So I'm spending the last few days of the holiday break. Next week, I'll be back to hell, to reality. The routine that is close to dying. I won't elaborate because the mere thinking of it hurts.

Last night was a great. Sweet intoxication with HS friends, who always support my endeavors. Then I beat him half drunk! We stayed up until 5am or something (thanks Globe!), but I felt he was sleepy so he went off air. From now on, he'll be the so-called sheep and I'll take that advice.

~~Since its new year, I have some resolutions I really want to do.~~

Explore heart life.
Save money. (said for the nth time)
Avoid alcohol and other related drinks.
Spend more time at home.
Flush out bad spirits in me. (will I be all flushed out.LOL)
Spread happiness all over the place.

Will blog more, and until my dying day. Hahaha.

movies aren't real

2009-01-01T00:43:00.000-08:00

...for a stupid girl today. HAHAHA. I thought waiting was fun, but thought nothing was worth waiting for on the other half of my brain. The shivers through my spine, making me weak and sucking the energy through me. That sight still made my new year's eve. I had a really great worth remembering holiday vacation, you'll never know.

I never really cared about Santa Claus
Or skyflowers above the sky
My holidays were so fun, how I wish we can watch the sun
Collapse in your arms, I want to collapse in your arms...

WTF. I'm giving you the permission to laugh. LOLOLOL.

Maybe this is the aftermath of watching The Notebook. Sorry. I was late because this movie was out last 2004 haha. I just picked it up from the piled up dvds under our tv set. Watched and felt sad towards the end. Sad how love can be so complicated. But no one can spare himself from it, because its great to be in love. Not that I felt it, just from what I saw in the movie. I wonder if it happen in our real fucking lives? I don't think so. Or I don't know.

She tortured you. You tortured me. So I torture friends. LOL.

my year ender

2008-12-31T06:03:00.000-08:00

Eez Tagalog yow. Haha.

Bilang isang indibidwal, marami akong napansing pagbabago sa buhay ko. Pero bawat oras na lumilipas ay lalo kong minamahal ang buhay na to. Dahil sa mga taong nakapaligid sakin. How dramatic, but true.

Nais kong baguhin ang mga mali sa pagkatao ko sa darating na taon, maging mas mabuting tao. Alam mo na ang tinutukoy ko.

SALAMAT dahil tapos na ang 2008. Meaning buhay pa ako at umaandar ang buhay. Kelangan kong sabayan. Tumatanda na tayong lahat. Bwahaha.

SALAMAT sa mga taong nakilala ko this fucking year. Bukod sa dumami ang friends ko sa Friendster, nabigyan nyo rin ako ng saya. Mga panandaliang aliw na paminsan-minsan naman ay nagbibigay ngiti sa akin kapag nalulungkot ako. Sana wag kayong mawala.

SALAMAT sa mga nagpapakilig sa kin. Kahit mukha na talaga kong stalker, okay lang. Wala naman syang pakealam eh. Haha.

SALAMAT blockmates! Kahit hindi perfect ang block natin, mahal na mahal ko kayo, mukhang mahihirapan akong hiwalayan kayo. Walang hihigit pa sa mga tawanan at gaguhan naishare nyo sa kin. Marami akong natutunan, ay konti lang pala.

SALAMAT sa pamilya ko. Andito pa rin kahit anong mangyari. Kahit asar talo sila pag sinasabing may syota na ako at magpapakasal after graduation sa March. Sa totoo lang hindi ako makamove on ang career ko hahaha. Pero salamat.

SALAMAT Lolo. Ikaw pa rin ang inspiration ever ko! Kahit wala ka na dito.

SALAMAT Jigger. I love you kahit tinatamad akong paliguan ka.

SALAMAT SmartBro. Kundi dahil sayo, walang internet. Hindi ko maipopost to.

SALAMAT Globe. Nakakapagregister ako sa UNLITXT ng walang kahirap-hirap.

SALAMAT Blogger. Para sa space dito.

SALAMAT nga pala sayo. Humabol ka sa taon na to. Nahigop mo ang lakas ko. Congrats!

SALAMAT reader. Binasa mo to, akalain mo?

At syempre, SALAMAT sa Diyos. Andito pa rin ako.

blood sucker

2008-12-29T12:34:00.000-08:00

I felt so weak, drained and dying this pre-evening. I can't get up nor type a letter to my cellphone, so I decided to close my eyes. I can't move my body and felt helpless. A dying feeling. After an hour and a half or so, woke up and felt re-energized. Realizing that all I need is to get out and get my dose of vitamins, yeah, outside our effin house.

Capture this: someone can make you feel so strong, bad and weak at the same time. Concurrency!! Feels like you can collapse in his arms, better than standing by your bedroom wall. But the sad part was it ends there. Like this. Like a period.

Can I be the blogger drama queen now? Thank you!

(itsnotasecretanymore)
Bear with the trembled feeling fickle minded blogs.

the after hours

2008-12-27T20:08:00.000-08:00

I suddenly realized random things as I go on this absurd life. Just cracking something up.

Be happy. People who cut their wrists and cover their faces with emo hairstyles are overrating the sadness in life. We can be happy with simple means. That's what I realized. There are people who's destined to make you happy. There are a lot of things in life that's worth a laugh. Someone makes me happy, I just don't know yet if my presence reciprocate what he is to me. Maybe not. Not now. Not ever. Never. I'm always rushing things. Fkcurs! Its a friggin' wrong thing to doooo. You're in love with someone tooooo. (song eeeehh?)

I'm not in love. I'm in like. Its a secret I keep inside. Heads up. LOL.
(itsnotasecretanymore)

Christmas

2008-12-26T20:17:00.000-08:00

My favorite song ever was Give Love on Christmas day. I felt I got some. Just a bit. Christmas was normal. A normal Christmas eve that I wasn't used to. No noisy cousins and exchanged gifts, because everyone was at their own homes. The online world made me half happy on Christmas eve.

I spend the day by waking up at 11am, taking a bath, feeding the dog. Then went to my aunt's house. Visited Granpa's grave in the afternoon, heard mass in the evening. And the part that I really like-- saw my elementary friends on the later part of the evening. That's Jyll, Arianne and Evi. I missed them a lot. We don't get to see each other pretty often but we're still friends. I know people change, but they still rock. Jackstone and Monakiki memories.

Now, I'm looking forward to new year. Hope it starts with a BANG! You shoot me.

close your eyes

2008-12-22T02:16:00.000-08:00

What do we have here? NOTHING. Christmas is just around the corner. Just 2 days away? But I don't know if I'm excited or bitter about this season. I just don't seem to appreciate it anymore, since he passed away last year. How fast... its been a year. But the drama will never end. I can't stop thinking about it. I try to distract myself but the moment keeps on entering my head. I try to erase the memories, but I can't help it. It sucks.

I will have painful Christmas eves and trying to be happy Christmas days. Emo me? Naahhh.

I'll just update you with what's up on me. Oh yeah, randomly.

+ Eeez ze Christmas break. From school and OJT. Office will be back on Jan5. So I can rest in peace this vacation.

+ Urbandub love. I can hug Gabby Alipe for a day if will be given a chance. They're late, but worth the wait. But our photo was erased, by me(?). Stupid fucker camera cut!!! Sometimes I hate technology.

+ Friends are love. I was a first timer when we went to Volets. I enjoyed the night even if we're freezing while swimming on the wee hours of the night. But then I still want my block friends, those assholes are missed.

+ I saw a guy in Eastwood. Oh crush moments. But so wasak. He's taken na. HUHUHU

+ I still haven't submitted the article, because it sucks. I can't write anything, I wasn't there. They will surely hate me for this.

I think that's it. No more. What I did today was sleep, wake up, sleep again, eat and sleep again.

Maybe this will be my last post for this year. Maybe. So MERRY CHRISTMAS blog friends. I love you all for reading me!

Here's a huge pic with Santa Claus, and I didn't saw your name on the list. Sorry!